I wish my dad laughed like that…

Basically, for each category you put a song (in the comments). If there is a song that reminds you of that experience, put that down with an * after it. If not, put down the song you would WANT TO HEAR during that experience. Leave your lists in the comments. Easy Enough.

Score a Game Winning Goal - Something Explosive like Still Trying by Midtown
Ski / Snowboard Down a Mountain - Sublime - Badfish
Smoke Weed - Anything by the Beatles
Dance At A Party - Next Episode by Snoop or Knock on Wood by Amii Stewart
Roller Skate At A Skating Rink With A Partner (You know, holding hands…like Elementary school) - For some reason Total Eclipse Of The Heart pops into my memory. There were just so many times and so many girls that it’s hard to keep track…
Any Tedious Work Task - Bolero by Ravel
Take A Shower - Wake Up by Tim Armstrong
Sing Karaoke - Christ, whatever I will butcher the least and everyone knows the words to…maybe Panama by Van Halen
Sit In Rush Hour Traffic - Preston and Steve
Take Long Ass Road Trip - The Point! by Harry Neilsson
Walking Around The City / To Class - Phish - Heavy Things
At A Strip Club (Girls dancing to) - Work it by Missy Misdemeanor
Walking Up To Bat In a Baseball Game - Superman by Goldfinger
On a First Date - First Date by Blink182. If she rocks out, she’s a keeper…
On The Bus Going To School - MxPx of the late 90’s (Teenage Politics)
After A Long Day Of Work - Miley Cyrus…sike. How about some quiet?

Ok so that’s all I got. These were actually hard to come up with ( and some a stretch ), so this will most likely be the last of the series. Leave your picks in the comments kiddos.

I still like her more when she’s not dolled up (like in The Office). Pam Beesley FTW!!!

Source: PopSugar

So many thoughts come to mind. First off, I have been to my fair share of bowling alley’s and I have never seen anything but overweight old men (like the creeper in the background). A woman with milf status is such a rare find.

Secondly, I can only pray that my future wife will be able to do a trick similar to that. Such flexibility and control - I bet she’s a freak in the sack. Enter dirty thoughts.

Third, I feel bad for this lady’s children. If my mom was out on a friday night at 7:30pm pulling stunts like this at the local alley and it ended up on the internets, I’d be pretty embarrassed.

So who knows of a bowling hot spot in the philly area with shenanigans like this going on…please let me know straight away.

So with all the Spice Girl Tour gayness finally dying down, I think it’s a good time to put 3 of the hoebags to the FMK test. The hard part is picking which 3 since they all kinda blow, but we’ll go with Posh Spice aka Balloon Tits Spice, Sporty Spice aka Sweet Bangs Spice, and Scary Spice aka Black Spice (some clever reference to Eddie Murphy’s illegitimate kid wouldn’t fit on the picture).

So, who would you F*ck, who would you Marry, and who would you Kill?

Personally, I am going to cheat and kill all three. Maybe I’d F posh first, just to see her fake boobs not bounce around (nom nom nom), then I’d kill her. I hate the Spice Girls with an intense passion.

Here is a picture of what Mario would look like in real life.

Pretty freaking creepy if you ask me.

Source: Wired / Pixeloo

As soon as I get there, they sat me down and put a stencil of the drawing on my arm so I can see what it would look like - I was impressed. SO impressed, in fact, that I was ready to just pay for the stencil and call it a day. No needles required.

Now everyone I have talked to about getting a tattoo told me “Ohhhh, it’s not that it hurts per say, but it’s more of an awkward feeling”. Well they are all liars. The first 5 minutes hurt like a sonofabitch, but after that it wasn’t so bad….that is until my body turned on me….

About 10 minutes in, my whole body started to sweat like I was having a terrible hangover. I got a nauseas, light headed and a little dizzy. It was a weird feeling that came on in like 10-20 seconds. The fact that Metallica was blaring in the background didn’t help much either.

The tattoo artist looked up at me immediately ran to get an ice pack, 3 cups of sugar water and a twix bar. Apparently, some people (read little bitches) react that way their first time. I just wish that held true with some of my past sexual mishaps. Truth is, I didn’t eat too much that day and needed some sugar in the ol’ bloodstream.

So anyway, after my little breakdown, I got back up and finished the job like a man. I am very happy with the way it turned out. Check it.

It’s a musical note with a little badassery added to it and it’s on my left shoulder.

Not to get toooo gay (or personal), but music has been a big part of my life, especially during the teenage years. I also love the fact that when I hear certain songs, a memory (good and bad) pops into my head of something I experienced.

Props for my baker, Keith for drawing it up and Aaron for doing the ink work.

Now where is the next one going???

For all you single kids like myself, go out tonight and convince some drunk girl that it’s her civic duty to participate in today’s holiday - minus the steak.

Yeah, I’m classy like that.

So, I’ve spent the majority of my days on the phone, and I can’t help myself from fucking with people. It’s amazing I still have a job.

Here’s how some of the conversations went.

“Me: Hi Tom this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Tom: <click>
Me: <calls back> Hi Tom, it’s Clare again. You might want to get your phone checked out, it randomly disconnected and I thought you should know before someone accuses you of being unprofessional and hanging up on them!”

“Me: Hi Michael this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Michael: I don’t have time for this shit right now.
Me: I understand that. Is there a time later today that you would have time for my shit? I really have all day. ”

“Me: Hi Tony this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Tony: I’m not interested.
Me: In what?
Tony: Whatever you’re selling.
Me: How do you know?
Tony: How do I know what?
Me: If you’re not interested in what I have to say when you haven’t given me the opportunity to say anything? Do you know the lottery numbers, too? ”

“Me: Hi Greg this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Greg: Bitch <Click>
Me: <calls back> Hi Greg. I just wanted to let you know what the proper ettiquite of getting someone off of the phone entails. Usually, it involves calling someone a derogatory name and then saying “Goodbye”, because that’s the polite thing to do. For example: You’re a self important asshole. Have a great day! <click>”

“Me: Hi Pablo this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Pablo: <click>
Me: <calls back> Hi Pablo, it looks like we got disconnected…
Pablo: No we didn’t. That was intentional. What the hell do you want?
Me: Oh, well then let me rephrase. Hi Pablo, it looks like you are incredibly rude and I am giving you a chance to redeem yoursel…
Pablo: <Click>”
“Me: Hi Sanjeev this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Sanjeev: Do you have any idea how busy I am?
Me: No, sir I cant say that I do is there a better time I ca…
Sanjeev: Do you have any idea who I am?
Me: I wasn’t aware that I was supposed to.
Sanjeev: Do you know how many traders I am working with at the moment?!
Me: If I guess correctly do I get to keep them?
Sanjeev: <click>”

“Me: Hi Jordan this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Jordan: Not interested <click>
Me: <Calls back> Hi Jordan, I know that we got disconnected because I know a man of your cailber would never hang up on a sweet, 25 year old girl because that would just be rude.
Jordan: I…uh…
Me: Yea I get that a lot.”

“Me: Hi Dale this is Clare calling from the 7th circle of hell, blah blah blah.
Dale: You have 30 seconds of my time.
Me: Aren’t you going to count down or something?
Dale: What?
Me: Does this count for my 30 seconds, or are you going to count to three so I know when to start timing?
Dale: Are you fucking serious.
Me: Yes, I am.
Dale: I don’t have time for this.
Me: I understand that, you’re the one who wanted to play the lets time the girl on the phone game. Now if you had just been nice in the first place, this call would’ve taken half the time. Which is a completely inefficient use of your time considering that you really didn’t have to be so abrasive so you consciously chose to do something that would eat at your oh so precious time. So. As I see it, I have 30 seconds starting…now. Like I was saying…
Dale: Have you considered a career in trading? You’re kind of ruthless.”

“Me: Hi this is Clare calling from my own personal hell etc etc etc
Ron: Im busy, fuck yourself.
Me: Listen, mister. I am having kind of a day and believe you me if fucking myself was an option Id not be sitting here talking to you.
Ron: What?!
Me: I haven’t gotten any in a very long time and I don’t get paid enough to be told to fuck myself by someone like you so you are going to sit there and listen to every god damn word I have to say, do you understand?
Ron: Yes ma’am.”
“Me: Hi this is Clare calling from my own personal hell etc etc etc
Paul: Just email me the information, I don’t have time to talk to you.
Me: Great, that’s exactly what I was shooting for.
Paul:…..
Me: Truthfully, I’m a shitty sales person, I’m only doing it temporarily and I hate it. I just needed to tick someone off the list so it looks like I’ve actually done something productive. So you’ve totally made my day. Can I get your email?
Paul: After that, you can have as much of my time as you want.”

“Earl: WHAT?
Me: Hi this is Clare cal…
Earl: <exasperated> What?!
Me: Hi this is Clare cal…
Earl: I heard you, what?! <obviously wants to know what I want>
Me: HI THIS IS CLARE cal..
Earl: What?!
Me: <louder> HI THIS IS CLARE CAL…
Earl: <click>”

So, I still hate sales, but I have managed to keep myself pretty entertained for the time being.

We should start a BPBC betting pool: How long until Clare is escorted out of the building.

Leave some captions in the comments. Please.

#3 aint bad either. Found on Preston and Steve

I like the idea of discrediting the paparazzi by feeding them fake news, but I mean comeon…Do you really think they care if the news is legit or not? It’s all about having the hot story, whether it’s true or not it’s another thing. I think it’s pathetic how much attention celebrities already get and this show is only going to feed the fire. Look, I already spent the last 5 minutes of my time writing this blurb about celebrities when I could have been doing something more productive likeeee…well let’s be real - I would probably have been sitting in front of my TV watching Family Guy reruns, but you get my point.

Anyway, this show will most likely be a hit because people are dumb and watch almost anything.

We live in a sad world.

I hate driving during the day. When I go into work at 3:30am there is virtually no one on the road. I hit 90mph (cuz im a badass) on the turnpike and the trip takes about 13 minutes. Now, the trip home at 3:00pm takes me nearly 40 minutes and it’s the same distance. The reason? People are F-ing idiots…Which leads me to a quick rant of some things I cannot stand about daytime driving:

• Going below 80 in the left lane on a major highway
• Waiting until the last minute to signal, thus trapping me behind you when I could have switched lanes.
• Not signaling at all.
• People who don’t make a right turn at a red light where it is allowed.
• People who ride your ass because you aren’t going fast enough when it’s really the car ahead of you that sucks at life.
• New York Drivers. I realllly don’t like them. Jersey drivers are a close 2nd.
• Old people doing 25mph on all roads.
• Cops who throw their lights on to go through an intersection. Assholes
• That moron who drives with their high beams on all the time. (Ok, so this would be Night time driving, but whatever.
• Those Mack trucks who drive side by side with each other so you cannot pass them. I swear they talk on the CB radios and F with me.
• Traffic lights that DON’T have the sensors. I have become spoiled and HATE waiting at an empty light.
• Old people.
• Small women in over sized SUVs

Ugh, I could keep going but I am sounding really bitter right now. I needed to get that out. Anyone else feeling my pain?

She dishes out sex tips AND does a quiz?!?!?! LOL OMGGGGGG like she is totally my FAV now.

Pic 2 looks damn sexy (sorry for the giant size).

From their “About Section”:

“Vaginas aren’t just in gynecologists’ offices and in between legs. They’re everywhere. In trees. In the ocean. In the clouds. In the bushes. Vaginas In Nature is on the hunt with cell phone cameras, x-ray goggles, and forestry surveying equipment. And we invite you to send in snaps of any naughty lady parts you find hiding in your surroundings, too.”

I’m not sure how I feel about this just yet. What do you think?

Here are some pictures I stole from them ( but totally give them credit! )

Would You Rather

1. Lick the floor of a men’s room floor. Not just the floor, but the floor inside the stall. And after a long day of usage. You would also have to swallow and you would NOT be allowed to rinse it down…

- or -

2. Drink a glass of someones used bath water.

This one was somewhat difficult. I think I would lean towards licking the floor. Maybe I would luck out and it would be relatively clean. The bath water would be pretty gross and I’m pretty sure I would puke it all up.

Agree to disagree?

More Soccer Videos At TopSoccerClips.com

For you homos who worship fantasy football, what you just witnessed was the equivalent to a 400 yard / 5 Td game from your running back, respectively.

Source: Preston and Steve

• Moe From GUTS - Sexy accent? Check. On a great show? Check. Banging Mike O’Malley during the commercial breaks? Check. I’m pretty sure Moe was the whole package.
• AYAOTD Blonde Girl - aka Rachel Blanchard. For some reason whenever I think of the Are You Afraid Of The Dark “storytellers”, this girl comes to mind. I had no idea what her name was, so I google’d “AYAOTD Blonde Girl” and found some interesting stuff. Apparently it’s the same girl that played Cher on the TV series Clueless. Talk about blossoming. I knew she was going to be hot, even at a young age. It’s all about the long term investments.
• Annie Mack - Apparently she has a real name of Meredith Bishop and is in some other stuff, but to me she will always be older sister Annie. Smart, Logical and SEXY!
• Jewel Staite - from the short lived series Space Cases. She always intrigued me (aka gave me a boner) as a kid. It must have been the hair…Check out the goods now. Dayummm.
• Melody From Hey Dude - Melody was a little before my time. I think I was still in the “girls have cooties” phase…oh wait, I might still be in that phase…Anyway, she was hot then and she is even more bangable now (She plays “Kate” in Dodgeball). Friggin’ Ben Stiller gets to hit that every night, that lucky SOB.
• Patty Mayonnaise - Probably one of the sexiest cartoon babes that wasn’t a Disney character. God it feels creepy typing that sentence. She was the yin to Doug’s yang and I hated him for it. Blonde hair, killer tan, incredible fashion sense…what guy could resist her????
• Melissa Joan Hart - Look at that picture? What teenage male wouldn’t be digging on Clarissa? Look at those hips. Her biggest downfall was that she seemed to be high maintenance…I mean making Sam use a ladder to get up there? Poor guy.
• Summer Sanders - Oh Summer, how I loved thee. You played with little kids who stupid talents like making fart noises with their armpits. But that stupid show didn’t stop me from developing an unhealthy obsession of one day possibly seeing you naked. I’m still waiting for photos to surface
• Amanda Bynes - I’ll admit. As a kid, Amanda Bynes was not only mediocre in appearance, but she was annoying as all hell. That skit “Ask Amanda” made me want to blow my brains out. Then the boobs popped out and little Amanda became the guilty pleasure of many men (who couldn’t talk about it until she turned 18… I meannnnnnn…). Plus she really is a very talented actress…She’s The Man, anyone?
• Larissa Oleynik - Alex Mack was the “It” girl of the early SNICK years. She was the total package: An arsenal of super powers, a nice rack and a certain disregard for authority. It’s a shame she fell off the face of the Earth after that one movie she did. Maybe she turned to porn? Wishful thinking I suppose…

So there you have it. 10 Nickelodeon hotties from the 90’s ranked and explained. I am sure some of you may disagree with the choices so please share your thoughts in the comments. Maybe there will be enough for a Part 2…